Feel the heat – with Veet

It is months since I heard about and read the reviews on Amazon about Veet, the hair removal product. The reviews are truly shocking and likely to make your eyes water brilliant. Forget a trip to the cinema or a night out dancing – just pull up your laptop, sit back and relax – then laugh as you read what people have written.

veet-for-men-hair-removal-gel-200ml

There are all genuinely from the Amazon site:

Review 1:  A warning from across the pond…, July 3, 2012

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considerd myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn’t have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it’s way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it’s engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good “. Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect…:)

Review 2:  This stuff really works, but pay close attention to the instructions…, June 12, 2012

I came to Veet as an innocent man does to a woman’s product with images of satin calf and gentle hand. And with that in my head, after one long summer bike ride I loaded my palm and went to work slathering it liberally on my twig and berries. What happened next forever changed my life. In that universe of blinding pain I would have eagerly kissed the medieval executioner’s sewer pipe mouth and put my head to the block with grateful smile anticipating sweet release. No stocks, no flail, not even the inquisitor’s cruelest implement could compare. But after the pain there came a smoothness more intoxicating even than the tears of the Poppy, and as with that dread flower I was hooked. But the coarseness of a vengeful Blackbeard slowly took that smoothness back, and so a blissful, dreadful cycle began and I was caught in the middle of it all. After my wife left me, I found myself in my parent’s basement. And when I lost my job I began to search all the obscure and dusty library shelves for resolution. Then, in the back of a Chinese takeout shop, I found the man who led me in my mind to a place where nothing mattered. Now, after days of nonstop meditation, I am able to ride the pain…barely. There is still much more work to be done, but now at least I have hope.

Review 3:  LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION, 17 April 2012

I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman’s log cabin, so for the past few years I’ve used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I’m sure you’ve realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.

Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I’m going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.

However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I’ve spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman’s arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn’t even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it’s only because I wanted children.

How do you measure up?

Discovered in Antwerp in Belgium.

I was just minding my own business and taking a little visit to the toilet when I walked in and saw this.

Okay – it made me laugh – out loud. It was quite tricky to concentrate while standing there.

Which one to stand at?

The Comeback Kid

My jaw almost kit the ground today when one of the children in my class took everyone by surprise.

To remind you – I teach – I teach 3 and 4 year olds, and that pretty much guarantees that there will be shocks and surprises – on an almost weekly basis.

Today a little angel of mine was feeling sick (Eng. = poorly; Aus. = crank).

I’m so international.

The mum (of sick child) arrived and came into the classroom. I explained how her daughter had not been feeling 100% and that with her soaring temperature, it was best to have a nice restful afternoon at home. Being a teacher who encourages the children in my class to express themselves and be confident individuals I was not surprised when another of my little treasures started chatting to the mum.

She asked the mum why her little friend was going home – to which the mum replied, “Well she’s not feeling very well, so I am going to take her home”.

This clearly wasn’t enough info – more please – “Why isn’t she well?” (the girl asked)

The mum smiled back and explained that her daughter had been feeling sick during the morning….

The girl looked at the mum – thought a bit and said – “Perhaps you should have thought about that before you brought her to school today”.

It was said in a flash of brilliance – but with such innocence….. I almost choked.

Kids.

Another scary photo

It’s only a couple of days since I posted a scary picture. Here’s another chiller. If you haven’t seen the last then this is worse, so much worse. You’ll never visit Grandma’s house again.

You’ve been warned.

Look at the picture. Just keep looking closely and then you’ll see something you weren’t counting on.

Not one for the kids. That’s unless you never want them to sleep again.

Did you just look over your shoulder?

Here’s the other one – just in case you’re hardcore and love being scared.

Christmas. All Gone Wrong.

Tis’ the season to be jolly… Well, that’s what I thought.

This post is all about where the Christmas festivities take a rather sharp turn for the worse…

Prepare for Christmas like you’ve never imagined it (even in your worst nightmare).

I don’t know which one is more freaky. Santa skulking by a little girl’s window or the horror that is the little girl. Poor Santa is likely to have heart failure the moment he catches a glimpse of her face… This could be the last Christmas ever!

No, no, no… What is this? Two questions? Who’s idea was it for Dad and baby to wear matching outfits? WHY – oh WHY is the very attractive woman with him? Surely the baby is not his. I am most disturbed by this.

I can only be grateful that we never did the ‘family shot’ in at Christmas time with my family. Go Mum!

No time to dress for the photo? Clearly not… It’s gonna be a grim Christmas.

Oh lordy, lord. Inappropriate balloon modelling if ever I saw it. No wonder he’s smiling so much.

Hmmm. All the best intentions look so WRONG. This ad is for funky underwear for hot dads. The only problem is it looks a tad pedo… What is really going on here? No no no…

Haha! The future of Christmas photos! This is what it might just end up like….

Haha. D ftr of Xms fts. Dis is wot it mght jst end up lIk… ttfn

Oh my, Mary! Just what have you been up to?

Have a great Christmas season everyone!!

How not to warn your child of dangers.

I was in The Hague (Den Haag) just the other afternoon. I popped in to do a little bit of shopping. Being an Englishman submerged in The Netherlands I am surrounded by Dutch speakers: It means that my ears pick out English at fifty paces. I happened to pass an English family (they sounded like they were from EastEnders, the east end of London).

The mum was standing with her partner and two sons (aged 10 and 7ish). This is what I heard her saying to her youngest son.

“You remember Grandad’s friend?………….. DEAD!………… Yeah, he got trapped under a tram”.

I can only assume that the boy had been a little too close to a tram moments before. This was his mum’s attempt at warning him of the dangers. A slight over-reaction I’d say. The poor boy looked terrified at the thought of ending up like ‘Grandad’s friend’.

What was she thinking!

Warning: This is the most disgusting book. Ever.

Stunned. Shocked. Speechless – well almost speechless.

Who’s coming over for dinner then? I’m cooking!

This book is real. If you don’t believe me – Google it. Cooking with natural ingredients is one thing – but this is one step too far.

A cookbook to remember

The summary reads:

Americans and Europeans consume vast amounts of milk and other dairy products that consist of mammary excretions from cows. Compared to semen, milk might seem positively disgusting.

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic… Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants…

Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen.

The recipe titles are no better (then again how could they be).

  1. Tuna Sashimi with Homemade Dipping Sauce
  2. Man Made Oysters
  3. Creamy Cum Cakes
  4. Almost White Russian
  5. Spunky Candied Pecans

But the creepy winner just because it sounds so innocent until you know the secret ingredient? Chocolate Truffles with White Centre.

If you’re still reading this post then you must have a cast-iron stomach. I apologise if you were eating.

The book reviews are hilarious. Here are some of my favourites from various sites featuring the book:

  • “I guarantee this will get men to cook and have fun doing it!!” (Karen)
  • “Wow, this is my new absolute most favorite horrifying book”. (Oriana)
  • “We’re having a pot-luck”. (Will)
  • “Dinnertime! Cum and get it!” (AJD)

Thinking of buying yourself a copy?

So, go ahead. Share this delightful post with your friends. Just click on share below and let everyone know what they’re missing out on. Jamie Oliver you haven’t got a patch on this book! Delia Smith, stick to what you know.