My childhood novel: The Bag Basher

When I was younger I loved writing stories.

I was always writing short stories and poems. I’m sure that if I was to go back to my mum’s house and look in wardrobes and under my old bed that I would find lots more. 

A while back, I was looking through some old stuff in my apartment and I found a book that I’d written. The Bag Basher, my first novel (hmmmm) was written when I was eleven years old.  

It’s really taken me back in time. The story is rather tragic. I’m sure a psycologist would have a field-day interpreting what it means. Basically, the story is ‘violence meets a touch-of-campness’. Read on and make of it what you will. Happy Reading.

Chapter 1:

Mrs Brambleberry was the worst type of woman who you would like to be with because she was always bashing people. This had gone on for about one year now and the postman was considering leaving. He looked so bad with all his bruises, all over his body. Each time he’s tried to post big letters he had to fold them in half. SHE DIDN’T LIKE IT. She would just stomp out of the house and hit him.

In her back garden people said she must grow handbags because she had so many. One day she would carry a green one, the next day it would be blue.

Anyway, let’s get to the point. She had a nephew called Jeremy Stimple and it was the summer holidays, so he was coming to stay with her.

When he came, she was nowhere to be seen. He looked all over but she was not there. This started his mind going. “Where are you Aunty?” he shouted, but there was no answer.

As soon as he went round into her back garden, there she was with her handbag tree.

Stick with it… It gets very exciting! Who’d have believed in handbag trees.

Chapter 2

By now he had started to wonder what she was doing because when he came she didn’t even say hello to him. Next to Mrs Brambleberry was a little chemistry set.

She dropped a little bit of solution onto a branch of the tree and a little bag grew.

“Aunt”, Jeremy shouted, “It’s me”. But she didn’t look.

That night they were both very tired and went straight to their beds.

It was about 12 o’clock at night when two evil-looking men smashed the back window and crept into the house. The both had brown bags and started to pick things up.

Mrs Brambleberry started to cough in bed. She got up and went downstairs. On the way to the kitchen she thought to herself “Where’s my picture? Oh well, I must have moved it and then forgotten.”

The burglars both said “Cor, we were lucky, but we had better get down again before she comes back”.

When she went back to bed they started stealing things again. In one corner of the room there was a big golden bag. Mrs Brambleberry probably used it when she went to dinner. They quickly put it into their sack. By now it was 1 o’clock and so they left.

In the morning Jeremy came down into the front room to watch TV. The only problem was….there was no television set nor any of his aunt’s things. He quickly looked out of the back window and saw footprints in the sandpit and a piece of black and white material. This was when he knew what had happened. They had been Robbed! (Notice my use of a capital letter – I was really emphasing the event!)

Could this story be more stereotypical if it tried? Okay, so it all seems rather predictable, but black and white robber material? What!? What was I thinking? Tragic – hope you’re enjoying it so far.

Chapter 3

Jeremy just couldn’t believe his eyes. He ran upstairs and into his Aunt’s room shouting “Aunt you’ve been robbed!”

When she woke up she said “Calm down now, you must have had a bad dream”.

“No, no, I’ve just been downstairs to watch TV but there’s nothing there”.

They both went downstairs to find an empty room. “Aaaargh” she screamed. “Phone the police!”

They phoned the police and then went on a burgulars trail. It was quite easy because they found a trail on Aunt’s beads on the floor. “They must have fallen out of my jewellery box when they ran away”, she said. Everything they found they put into a carrier bag so that they could take them home. Eventually they got to the very last bead and thought that they’d lost the trail, but they were wrong. The trail had stopped by a thorn bush and there were tiny bits of black and white material caught – so they followed it.

Mrs Brambleberry went right through the bush and sat down in dismay. There she found a secret map.

Seriously!?? Black and white material. I can’t believe that the 11 year old me really thought that people wore black and white when breaking into houses… Oh oh. So – How will it end? What do you think is going to happen in the fourth and final chapter?

Chapter 4

Mrs Brambleberry clearly understood the map and she went into the tree-house (which was in the map). She found the secret rope and got inside. Once inside, she was struck dumb.

Where are the thieves? she thought.

Jeremy came running in and said “Look around. There must be a trapdoor somewhere. We’re upstairs. It’s only upstairs”.

They searched for ages bu they couldn’t find the trapdoor until Jeremy spotted a piece of carpet out of place – and underneath they found the trapdoor.

It was hard to open but eventually they opened it and caught the thieves. Mrs Brambleberry got all her things back.

THE END

P.S. Before the thieves were put into prison, Mrs Brambleberry poshly smashed them in the face 100 times with her handbags.

Oh – A happy ending. Well, for some. It was all too easy. The shortest chapter seems to indicate that I’d lost a certain level of interest in the story.

As for ‘poshly smashing them in the face with handbags…’ All I can say it  – Don ‘t get on the wrong side of Mrs B.

I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it made you giggle. It was a long time ago when I wrote it. Such innocence.

And –

Just in case you wondered… I wrote a sequel three years later.

I might share it with you all one day.

Peering into Terri’s Little Corner

One thing that I have noticed in my first year of blogging on WordPress…

 Some bloggers come and go. Others stay around and make an impact on the way you look at things.

This post is all about someone who I have never met.

Yet.

(Possibly some day).

Terri, from Terri’s Little Corner is the main feature of my blog, today. Yes, that’s right – she’s the lipstick lesbian, pin-up girl WordPress wonderess, right now… In a literary way… Big her up – Big her up!

Terri - giving the look to all you lucky readers.

I wanted to shout from the rooftops blog about Terri for a few reasons – and here they are:

  • Terri was my first blog friend
  • She paid me to write nice things about her Just kiddin’
  • She is simply terrific
  • She is possibly one of the nicest American’s that I have ever known (I mean it in the nicest of ways)
  • Tantalising Terri has supported me more than anyone (online and offline included) – thanks Terri. You have ‘officially’ commented on and responded to more posts that anyone else.
  • Her blog ‘Terri’s Little Corner’ is a corner of delight, sarcasm, hilarity and unexpected entertainment – It’s on my blogroll, so take a look and bookmark it.

Terri and I are quite similar in many ways… I’m scratching my head and thinking of how…

  • Both gorgeous – clearly you didn’t that pointing out…
  • We both love WordPress  – what’s not to love.
  • I think I can safely say that we both spend too much time on WordPress
  • We both have a love of writing – and that’s what I really enjoy. Terri recently started writing fiction for NaNoWriMo. Sounds like a mouthful, I know – but it’s short for National Novel Writing Month.

On Terri’s blog, you can read about her novel-writing. It started with her saying this at the beginning of November –

“Basically, I have 30 days to write a 50,000 word novel.  I pulled my calculator out and did some complex math computations.  Let’s see, 50,000 words divided by 30 days.  OMG, that is 1666 words per day, IF I write every single day”.

So, I wonder how she’ll get on. It got me thinking.

I used to LOVE writing stories. When I was 9, 10, 11 years old I was always scribbling away – writing stories, poems and anything else that I could think of. I wrote a couple of novels – I use that term very loosely.

I called my first book ‘The Bag Basher’ – I cringe just thinking about it. I found it the other day in one of my many ‘hoarding boxes’… I have decided to share it with you all on my blog.

Watch out! The Bag Basher is coming to ‘One Life’ soon (you’ll love it)…

In the meantime, get yourselves into Terri’s Little Corner!

Over and out.

Dutch Divas: Edsilia and Ruth

Now, time for a little something for the Eurovision fans…..

Okay, if you’re not a “ESC fan” – you’re probably wondering who they are? (If you’re not from Europe then it’ll be even more confusing).

These ladies represented The Netherlands in Eurovision – yes, the good old Eurovision Song Contest. (Not together though. Maybe that’s why they didn’t win). I saw them both live (on separate occasions in 2006 – and they were brilliant live).

Ruth and Edsilia

Ruth Jacott, the elder of the two (The Netherlands’ representative Eurovision 1993) and Edsilia Rombley (The Netherlands’ representative in Eurovision 1998 and Eurovision 2007) have both had successful singing careers in The Netherlands.

Here they are, years later, singing a new song together. It’s quite popular here in The Netherlands and I wish they’d saved it for their 2012 entry – they could do with something like this.

 

A few other bits that I’ve written about Eurovision:

Eurovision – It’s More Than One Night.

Remember Bucks Fizz?

Eurovision Party Time.

Fireworks for Fawkes

I’ve just got home from a wonderful evening watching fireworks. I love firework displays.

The school that I work for held an annual event to commemorate Guy Fawkes Night. Ah yes – “Remember, remember the 5th of November”.

Okay – some of you are probably wondering why I’ve been watching fireworks tonight – it’s not New Year’s Eve – it’s not Chinese New Year – it’s not my birthday… Well it’s all about something which happened in 1605. The King of England didn’t get blown up – phew – how lucky he was.

The evening tonight didn’t actually mention Guy Fawkes (the guy who was caught as part of the plot to kill King James I of England). That would be too politically ‘provoking‘. However, the fireworks were brilliant – the children and parents were thoroughly entertained – and I had a great time.

History Part – If you actually want to know more about the whole Guy Fawkes story, you can check here.