I want to be a dog

Okay okay – I don’t actually want to be a dog.

That would just be totally weird……

But….. I have to say – watch this video and you will feel:

1. Warm
2. Like the Grinch
3. Cuddly
4. All Christmassy
5. Happy
6. Smiley
7. Suicidal
8. Like you wanna give me, jamieonline a huge cuddle

Jumbled Jittery January

2012…. How did that creep up on us all so quickly?

I am still recovering from the shock that Christmas arrived and went by in a flash. I’ve almost finished my Christmas chocolates. How many days has it been since that lovely day with the family? More to the point – How many days are there until next Christmas?

I’d better get my Christmas list ready…. (just kidding)

I’ve not been blogging very much recently. I have lots of excuses (all good ones). Here are a few:

• I am such a popular boy – I have to deal with my fans.
• I’ve been in England for two weeks and was unable to blog.
• I enjoyed Christmas with family and great friends.
• Work has been manic.
• I’ve been hit by the old ‘wordlessness’. Eeeeek.

But – Fear not! I am back and aim to keep you all entertained with fresh and funny little treasures over the next few months.

Keep you eyes peeled – I’ll be making you all smile soon.

J x

Christmas. All Gone Wrong.

Tis’ the season to be jolly… Well, that’s what I thought.

This post is all about where the Christmas festivities take a rather sharp turn for the worse…

Prepare for Christmas like you’ve never imagined it (even in your worst nightmare).

I don’t know which one is more freaky. Santa skulking by a little girl’s window or the horror that is the little girl. Poor Santa is likely to have heart failure the moment he catches a glimpse of her face… This could be the last Christmas ever!

No, no, no… What is this? Two questions? Who’s idea was it for Dad and baby to wear matching outfits? WHY – oh WHY is the very attractive woman with him? Surely the baby is not his. I am most disturbed by this.

I can only be grateful that we never did the ‘family shot’ in at Christmas time with my family. Go Mum!

No time to dress for the photo? Clearly not… It’s gonna be a grim Christmas.

Oh lordy, lord. Inappropriate balloon modelling if ever I saw it. No wonder he’s smiling so much.

Hmmm. All the best intentions look so WRONG. This ad is for funky underwear for hot dads. The only problem is it looks a tad pedo… What is really going on here? No no no…

Haha! The future of Christmas photos! This is what it might just end up like….

Haha. D ftr of Xms fts. Dis is wot it mght jst end up lIk… ttfn

Oh my, Mary! Just what have you been up to?

Have a great Christmas season everyone!!

eCards. Good or Bad?

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The decorations are down. The turkey has been eaten (finally). The Christmas card stack is still there, taking up space in my cupboard. What to do with them now?

I suppose I could do one of the following:

• Make tags for next Christmas;
• Burn them;
• Recycle them;
• Blank out the words and use them as my own cards (I wouldn’t….);
• Send them back to my friends to re-use (Although it’s likely they would think I am mad) *Note: this one was not a serious suggestion.

In fact, with all these Christmas cards I will be making good use of them when I take them into school. My children will love making their own Christmas cards using the pictures. It does mean storing them somewhere until December and then actually remembering where I put them.

‘Real’ Christmas cards are so nice. I enjoy receiving them as it means that someone somewhere in the world has been thinking about me and cares about keeping in touch. That’s important.

I write my cards each year. I send about 50 cards out. It’s quite a task and quite a cost. But, the cost is worth it – in my opinion. As the years go by I receive more and more eCards in my ‘Inbox’. I am quite divided about my feelings on eCards. There are positives but plenty of negatives. Here’s what I think.

eCards (positives)

• Environmentally friendly.
• Cheaper than ‘real’ cards (No cards & no stamps).
• Faster way of sending friends a message (No writing out all those addresses).

eCards (negatives)

• They ‘feel’ impersonal (I imagine all ‘contacts’ were downloaded, syncronised and eCards were sent at the push of a button).
• It just doesn’t seem the same. There are no cards to pop up around the house or to keep for years to come (I do like to keep certain cards).
• eCards fill up the email Inbox and sometimes it seems that we already spend enough time behind the PC with work (and writing blogs) that the eCard can feel a little like Spam.
• There are only so many times that you want to see little puppies, kittens and other cute fluffy animals tangling themselves up with Christmas lights in a ten minute animation.

How the times have changed. It does seem to be the case (certainly with my generation: the under 31s) that ‘real’ cards are less important and on the way out. There are less friends that send them on each year. I have even had Facebook greetings this year. I wonder what the future holds for Christmas greetings. Will Facebook have a ‘Festive Poke’ button to send to all contacts?

At the end of the day though it is the thought that counts and keeping in contact is the main thing.

The post Christmas shop.

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Christmas was wonderful. Christmas without the mayhem was divine. I didn’t feel the need to wake at 4am in order to be in the Boxing Day Sale queues. The madness of the people obsessed with claiming their bargains. I was sleeping in the warmth of my bed as thousands of crazed people ran through shopping centres all across the country. Why? If they really wanted whatever they were buying, why not buy it at the normal price to make sure you get it.

I did head out for post-Christmas shopping (yesterday, mind you, so that’s okay in my book). We wandered for 5 hours from shop to shop. I was very controlled. I didn’t abuse the credit card and left at 19:00 (quite early for me) with only two bags of goodies.

My family were out in numbers…My niece who was obsessed with finding £5 pants got her wish. (She’ll kill me for posting that about her, but I doubt she’ll notice). It’s always hard to shop when there are nine of you trying to look for your own things. We managed! I do feel the urge to go out shopping again, while I’m in England. I have to make the most of it. I won’t be back for months…. Oh, what to buy?

Merry Christmas Bloggers. (More wine and mince pies anyone?)

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It’s Christmas! I love Christmas! Christmas Day is always fab. I’m 31 years old, but I’ve woken up in my own bed at my mum’s house. (I do not live at home and I am not single….just before you start judging me). I am home visiting my family in England and it’s lovely.

Plans for the day:

• Open presents (They were under the tree…. I do believe in Santa, I do……)
• Watch the two most special people in the world open their presents.
• Munch on chocolate when nobody is looking (Ssshhhhh, After Eights ARE allowed, it’s after 08:00).
• Eat breakfast at approx 11:59 (That is still officially morning and so that’s acceptable).
• Dig out the Christmas CD (Oh no…. Wham, Cliff and a bunch of 70s rock bands singing the same bunch of songs).
• Assist with the Christmas lunch (It’s the blind leading the blind in the kicthen).
• Phone the family (Merry Christmas to one and all).
• Stay in pyjamas for as long as possible (Either that or until my Mum starts to make comments about my appearance).
• Drink wine and finish dinner.
• Eat dinner and drink wine.
• Drink wine and eat Christmas pudding.
• Drink wine and read the joke from the cracker…. (That old one).
• Wear silly Christmas cracker hat…… (Check watch….) It’s nearly time.
• 15:00 “Can everybody be upstanding?” (I would if it wasn’t for all those wines….) It’s time for the Queen’s Speech on TV.
• ……The rest of the day blurs together like a happy dream. More wine to accompany the family and friends visiting. Perhaps some TV, some chatter and some games….

All in all, the day will be lovely. It’s such a shame that it’ll be over before it started. Only 365 days to go.

*This blog was written before Christmas Day on the wonderful Schedule timer. Just in case you were thinking that I was sitting in front of my computer at 09:00 on Christmas Day. Not a chance. I’ve got prezzies to open!!

Lost in translation… It’s the only explanation.

Home for Christmas and that means it’s time for some Christmas music to accompany the festivities. I wonder what music my mum has in store for us…. Time to check the CDs…. We looked and laughed when Track 1 played. It didn’t sound like the most jolly of tracks. When I turned the CD case over I read some of the listings and their English translations….

Russian Folk Songs: ‘Antem’
“I’m dancing on the green with the bindweed“,
“What a spacious step it is“,
“What a nice porch is my new porch“,…. and my favourite, the ever-uplifting…..
“My husband used to beat me when I was young“.

You really should go out and purchase this wonderful CD. A real stocking filler of fun!

Call the emergency services! He’s been stolen! (The best and most shocking call made to the police).

This is a real call made to the emergency services in the UK. OK, for many of you the accent may be difficult to understand. (It’s quite strong). I managed to find this great typography video on YouTube that creates graphics from the words. (I hope it helps you follow the conversation).

I was stunned when I heard it! Really stunned!!!!! Some people are so stupid. I couldn’t help but share it with you all, bloggers. Enjoy!

I love the fact that she is calling because someone has stolen her snowman….. The fact that she admits that her street is not that great is hilarious. I’d love to have seen her snowman with teaspoon arms and coins for eyes. Hahahaha…..

Obsessed with snow

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Snow, snow, snow…. Delicate, white and pure.

CHAOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No….It’s delicate. It brings a sense of calm and tranquility.

Or……………. More CHAOS!

While many people around the world embrace the inevitable snow that comes with this season called ‘Winter’, the Brits are beside themselves. Ah, something new for them to moan about. They wish and wish all year for a white Christmas, yet two days into snowy weather and they are all cursing the very mention of that ‘S’ word.

The news in the UK….It goes like this….

Main Headlines: “Snow has brought the country to a halt. The airports are shut. The roads are chaos!”

Sport: “Snow has disrupted many events across the country. (Oh, boo – No football…..)”

Transport: “Snow has brought the chaos to airports (Hadn’t we mentioned it? Well, we’re here to make you panic… So, the airports are shut! Motorways are looking more like white carparks”. (Stay indoors everyone. Chocolate and wine will help you cope).

…………..and now…. Weather………………

“It’s snowing out there!” (Really?)

So, what is the obsession with the white stuff? Why do the Brits love it, yet hate it? Why does the UK come to a grinding halt the moment there is 4 cm of snow laying on the ground? Forget WMD to attack the UK, or suicide bombers making long term plans….. All you need is a snow cannon and the country is crippled.

I love the snow! I think it’s fab! I’d happily watch it snow for months…

Here are some other little snowy and seasonal treats that I’ve recently blogged about…

The blog about the mad, crazy Dutch people who dare to cycle on the snow.

The blog about Santa (oh, bless him).

The blog about the biggest toy shop in the UK featuring ‘live animals’.

My Christmas Countdown (from the beginning of December)….. *Note to self… I must check how far I’ve got.

How would I live without my present book?

I’m buying presents for 33 people this year! I’m shocked just typing it. I mentioned this the other day to a friend and they said that they buy presents for 3 people (what a difference). I love buying presents though. I love looking for something that will make someone smile. I have quite a big family. It comes from having 3 brothers, with wives (who have lots of children) and lots of cousins too.

It was thirteen years ago that I ‘stole’ my step-mum’s idea to keep track of my present buying using a book. It sounds simple, but actually works really well and has great benefits (especially when you have a memory as poor as mine). I used to jot down the things I had bought people on scraps of paper, but would lose them. So, what do I do?

• List all the people you plan on buying stuff for (I do this around February/March time and add to it).
• Buy the presents WHEN you see them (throughout the year). I usually start in July. It’s better to buy something you see and think “Oh, that’s perfect for……”, rather than go on the December panic buy!
• Write the gifts in the book once purchased.
• Tick them once wrapped because once you have all the presents for all those people you gotta make sure you’ve found them and wrapped them.

The great thing with this idea is that you can do the following:

• You can keep track on the size and cost of presents for each person.
• You’ll remember what you bought someone the year before. OK, you don’t wanna be buying them the same thing year on year. You probably won’t remember, but they might.
• It’s fab to look years back and remember how times have changed. I love looking back and friends who’ve come and gone… Special times gone by. Family members no longer with us. Christmas celebrations of the past that I will always remember.

When I say I stole the idea…. It was more borrowed. It was 13 years ago that I saw my step mum’s book of presents. I flicked it open and looked back at 1983. It was so much fun reading the things that I’ve been given as a child.

I’m a sucker for memories.